I have a dirty little secret. It’s not one I like to share with many people. Who likes to share their secret struggles? If I do tell somebody, I make excuses and exceptions, but inwardly I’m cringing with shame that now someone else knows…and is judging me! So I don’t want to talk about it too much, even though it’s something I battle daily. It’s a lonely world when you can’t share what keeps you up at night. And shame only adds to problem. So why bother sharing?
Yet it’s been said,
You are only as sick as your secrets.
In other words, secrets can stop us from confronting a problem. The longer we don’t face an issue, the sicker we become. Most likely, the sicker we become, the more we want to keep our secret out of shame. Sick, lonely cycle huh?
Well I’m tired of being sick and lonely with this secret. It’s time to face it head on! No judgments please.
No seriously, I worry! I worry each time I drive, I worry when my kids cough, I worry when it storms outside, I worry when a friend doesn’t text me back within 2 minutes of me texting them, I worry when I watch the news, when I go to the grocery store, when I get into an argument, and on and on and on. Even zombies strike up some fear!
I worry. The shame I feel is that if others know I worry, then they’ll realize I struggle to trust God. That sometimes I doubt His love for me. For us Christians, trusting God is the name of the game. All over the Bible we read that we are to trust God – with everything!
Worry and trust don’t seem to go together. How can I as a Christian let others know that I struggle to trust God with simple things like when my kids cough or when I drive my car? I want to be strong and trusting, and have an immovable faith.
But I’m beginning to realize a movable faith is still faith. And central to that faith is that Jesus forgives us for everything – including our shame and worry. He accepts our broken and doubting faith. In the end, it’s more about God’s faithfulness to us then our doubting faith. And I find myself confessing with the worried father in Mark 9 saying,
“Lord I believe; help my unbelief!”
Some Christians act as though we can’t talk about shame and worry. But “shame is a soul eating emotion” (Carl Jung) and we are only as sick as our secret worry. I’m learning to reveal my worry and let go of the shame. What a process! One that by no means is complete. But one I hope to share with you!
What about you? When have you felt ashamed of your worry?